Married to the Military: Maintaining a Strong Christian Foundation

Today I am so happy to bring you this blog post titled, Married to the Military: Maintaining a Strong Christian Foundation. I hope that in the future, we can really expand on this topic, because I know there are so many military women out there who need encouragement from other women who are dealing with the same exact challenges that they are. And the same goes for the guys! There are so many temptations overseas and away from their families that challenge them in so many different ways. Today, however, this post is geared towards the women that are left behind during a deployment. I hope it touches your heart. Please feel free to share with other military wives, and please don't forget to keep them in your prayers as well! --Amy {A Godly Marriage Blog}

Married to the Military: Maintaining a Strong Christian Foundation
Guest Blogger: Clarissa Fleming

Being a Christian wife during deployment isn't really any different than being a wife in general. And yet, at the same time, it is completely different. I am not going to pretend for one split second that I did everything right, but maybe you can learn some tricks from me that can help you as you jump into this journey they call ‘deployment’.

Your role will change
One of the most important elements of marriage is the journey. Growing together -- to be a couple, to be parents, to be friends. This is the hardest part about deployments. When you spend 6 months, a year,  18 months (or longer) apart in different countries and walks of life, you both change. The soldier learns not to trust and to always be on alert for danger. The wife learns to be self-sufficient and runs the household without her spouse. These are important, in that both partners have to develop these traits in order to survive and thrive during a deployment. But what happens in return?

"Wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if some husbands are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God."[1 Peter 3:1-4]

We are told by God to be submissive to our husbands, yet we have to be assertive during the deployment. Wives have to be the ‘man’ of the house. When each of you return to ‘normal life', the husband can easily feel that he isn't needed. The wife can feel proud that she made it through and can look at what she has done while her husband was gone. But the balancing act during this time is hard and critical. Do not be surprised when arguments arise over 'stupid' things, such as taking out the trash! When our true head of household returns, we are required to go back into our roles of submissiveness. This doesn't mean we should be walked all over, but it does mean that we are called to be gentle and have a quiet spirit – not overpowering or ‘overriding’ our husband’s choices or decisions. It will not be easy, and it will be beneficial (for both of you) to speak to one another about any concerns you might have regarding his return. Not only will the two of you have to return to your roles as husband and wife, but it will affect your children’s emotions as well. There will be confusion as to who makes the ‘final call’ when it comes to discipline and decisions – but in all situations, communicate your feelings clearly and calmly. Communication is key when a spouse returns from deployment.

Loneliness during deployment
Loneliness during deployment is perhaps the hardest thing about the process. Many don't realize that you not only lose your spouse, but you also lose all of the activities that involved them. For example, maybe you and your husband always got together with Sue and John for dinner. With your husband gone, will you still have them over? Will they invite you over? I have found that you don't go to Sue and John’s. It might make them feel awkward and thus, you have lost that fellowship that was once a part of your married world.

If you are a parent, it is even harder. Imagine, if you will, that you go out once a month on a date night with your hubby. This is a time to talk as adults and let the kids have a sitter for a few hours. Will you do that during a deployment? Of course not, but will you go out by yourself to have ‘me’ time? In general, if the kids cannot go to something, you don't go either. There is no leaving them with dad to run to the store or get your hair cut. With toddlers, you would not believe how hard it is to schedule a haircut! The wives that I have seen thrive have always started something that was theirs. They might take up knitting or start a home based business -- something that helps fill in that gap, something that grants you permission to be more than just ‘mom’. Do something for you! A wonderful book called Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives by Jocelyn Greene was a huge help for me. I recommend every deployment wife read it.

Patience is a virtue?
Your patience as a parent WILL be less. Why? Because not only are you overwhelmed, but your emotions are stretched very thin. You don't want him gone, you worry about him, are you doing things right? The kids will act out more just because they sense the stress in your tone and body language, and then the entire thing magnifies.

Ephesians 6:4 says “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This verse is hard to follow for me during deployments. For example: The news has just announced that there has been an attack on a base near Kabul in Afghanistan. You don't know anything about it, because you don't watch the news. And quite frankly, you’re better off that way most days. However, your friend, sister or mother-in-law sees it and immediately calls you saying something like, “I just heard Greg's base was attacked, is he okay?” Up until the moment you received that phone call, you were sure that they were perfectly fine. Now you’re a mess -- you can’t contact him. You race to the computer -- there are no messages. His skype is off, no facebook activity and all you can do is wait as the kids decide to play rough and hit each other with a toy. A relatively normal thing, but because your nerves are shot, you yell at them. They are in tears, you are in tears... what do you do now? First DO NOT tell them you are worried about Daddy! Nothing good will come from that. Instead, tell them you are so sorry. Ask their forgiveness and just say you miss Daddy. I cannot tell you the number of times I have had to ask my kids forgiveness because my patience was gone.

Start training yourself on how to react to your children when your patience is non-existent, or how to react in certain situations. No military wife ever wants to go through these scary times, and no wife wants to deal with cranky children by herself (whether daddy is in danger or not). But you are certain to have these moments when in a military marriage, and since you know they might come, begin to train your mind and your emotions on how to deal with them. Doing things repeatedly and training yourself to react will eventually become habitual and will definitely be helpful during the hard times. Make sure you have a game plan instead of going into it blind. Lean on the word of God when your husband’s shoulder isn't there for you to lean on. And always, always, remember to ask your children for forgiveness when you lose your patience.

There are so many aspects of a deployment, and many are different depending on whether you work or are a homemaker – whether you have children or not. You have to have a ton of patience, trust and faith, that in the end, you will be together again.

And…
…one last tip. If you cry in the shower, your face and eyes won’t get red or puffy. This is when I started showering at night. It is a way to release after the kids are in bed. And it gives you that one simple “alone moment” to cast all of your cares on Him, because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).

Living Life as a Godly Wife

Today I am delighted to have a guest contributor on our A Godly Marriage blog! In the future, you will see more and more guest writer's as we all bring such a unique story to the table. Many of us are going through different things at different times, and it helps when someone has experienced something that someone else is going through. I hope you enjoy all of the posts from our guest contributors! If you are interested in contributing, please contact agodlymarriageblog@gmail.com

By Guest Contributor, Sarah Couch

My husband and I recently decided to work on our marriage. We're coming up on four years this May, and we've been through so much already. We suffered three miscarriages before being blessed with our two beautiful sons. Raising two boys at ages one and two is definitely a challenge. My husband works fifty hours a week on average, and I stay at home with our children.

As many other stay-at-home moms have said, I felt like I was getting no help from my husband. He would come home from work and sit in his chair watching TV while I tended to our children's every need. Here I was being "Mom of the Year", but what I failed to realize is that I was neglecting my role as a wife. My husband came home every day to a house that was in far less than perfect condition. There were dishes in the sink, toys on the floor, and minimal chores done. I was usually still in my pajama pants with my hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, and makeup was a thing of the past. Never mind sexual intimacy. I was so angry with my husband all the time that sex was the last thing on my mind! How dare he leave me all day with the kids and expect that I work 24 hours a day seven days a week while he works ten hour days five days a week?! It wasn't until I started seeking God and looking for His will in my life that things began to improve.  God has laid out specific roles for husbands and wives.

The role of a wife is to respect, nurture, and support, just as the Proverbs 31 woman. What does this mean? I was hardly respecting my husband, and certainly not respecting our belongings. Aside from that, I was not bringing respect to my husband with the words I spoke about him to friends and family. I was meeting the nurturing role fairly well, but I wasn't taking care of myself. This world is full of temptation and women out there looking their best. I came to the realization that I was only looking my best for people other than my husband. I had gotten too comfortable, and I had started taking my husband for granted. I had this mindset that if I wasn't leaving the house, he wouldn't care what I look like. While I know my husband thinks I am beautiful no matter what, I am supposed to be the one he wants to come home to every night. Looking my best keeps his eyes from wandering.

As a wife, I am supposed to be my husband's biggest encouragement, not his biggest critic. I spent so much time nitpicking that I didn't have time to listen to his stories of success at work.While I was busy putting in little effort, he was busy getting a promotion and a raise...and where was I? I was so wrapped up in what I wanted and how tired I was that I failed to support my husband. As wives, we need to begin putting our husband's needs above our own. When we speak, we need to speak words of life and encouragement to our husbands. We need to be careful of the words that we say about him to others. It's so easy to speak only negative things to friends and family while forgetting to give our husbands the respect they deserve.

"She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."
[Proverbs 31:12 NIV]

In the beginning, my prayer was that God would help me to change my husband. I wanted God to light a fire under him and make him start helping me around the house. I kept asking God how I could change my husband. One day, loud and clear, I got the message: "You can't." God showed me that the only way to change my husband was to change myself. I had to stop pointing the finger at him and begin looking into myself. It wasn't my husband who needed to change; it was me. It's never our job to point out all of our husband's shortcomings. Our only task is to be the wife our husband deserves. When we do this, everything else will fall into place.

Discontentment | You haven't fallen out of love

"Don't confuse discontentment with falling out of love. Being discontent means there's an issue that can be fixed and worked on. Falling out of love means you've chose to give up, you've chosen to withhold your love." [A Godly Marriage in an Ungodly World]

I often hear people say "I just don't love him/her anymore" or "I've fallen out of love with them", when referring to their spouse. In fact, one of the biggest excuses when it comes to divorce is that a couple has "grown apart" or  have "fallen out of love". 

Love is often referred to as a feeling or emotion, and that isn't completely inaccurate. However, we often forget that love is also an act, a choice. You choose to love or not to love a person -- you choose who you love more than another. And often, in almost every relationship, you will withhold your love from that person at some point or another. You will feel as though you don't love them as much as you use to. But does that mean you've fallen "out of love" with them? Absolutely not. 

Often in marriages and relationships we are discontent with a situation, tone, argument, act, or inaction. We get bored, angry and sometimes hurt and sad. These things are all emotions, but they are also choices. Everything that you do is a choice. Your emotions will ride on other people's emotions, but you choose to allow your emotions to go wherever they please. Being discontent is not the same as "falling out of love", because you simply cannot fall out of love, you must choose to withhold your love from someone. You can, however, be extremely discontent with and in a relationship. Maybe it's because your spouse doesn't hold you like you want them to, maybe they don't want similar things as you, maybe they said something hurtful, or maybe your life just isn't where you thought it would be right now. Maybe you feel like you need a change, a difference in pace. Or maybe you feel as though sin and temptation are creeping into your life and you don't want to deal with your sin/temptations properly. Many things can lead to discontentment, but we need to recognize these emotions and choices that we are dealing with and/or making before we severely hurt our marriage and our spouse.

Comparison is one of our society's greatest downfalls and I truly believe it is one of the biggest culprits of causing husbands and wives to be discontent. In today's society we allow ourselves to fall into temptations that aren't instantly recognized, such as comparing and/or lusting after people and relationships in movies, books, tv shows, various actors/actresses, magazines, and the fashion industry. There are also more recognizable things such as pornography and  the start of an improper relationship (flirting) with someone other than your husband/wife. Wives, especially, often fall into 'day dreaming' or unknowingly wishing they had a relationship (be it simply a better relationship or a fantasy one) similar to those that they've seen in a movie, in their favorite tv show or have read in a book. 

"When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." [James 1:13-15 NIV]

Each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed -- then desire is conceived and our sin gives birth to death. Nothing good comes from being discontent, in fact, you could say that being discontent is sinful. Why? Because being discontent leads to temptation and sinful thoughts and, as an end result, if not recognized in time, it will inevitably lead to death -- death in your relationship, death in your love, death in your marriage.

So, what do you do with this emotion of being discontent once you recognize it? 

Some might find it simple to come back from. Many will make the decision to 'change' their perspective and attitude in life, and that will be their cure. They will recognize the things in their life that are causing the discontent and are strong enough to move away from it. We will most likely experience various ruts of being discontent, but if we can apply Christ like character to our every day life, we can conquer it!

However, other's may not find discontentment as easy to bounce back from.

In this case, here are some steps to take to get you back on the right track:

Pray, daily! Paul delighted in his weaknesses because he knew that when he was at his weakest, God could be at His strongest in Paul's life. Lean on God, pray daily, repent daily. Ask Him to strengthen you and to help you conquer the discontentment in your life. Pray that Christ will show you the things in your life that are causing you to be discontent. If they are issues with your spouse, take time to pray about them and pray that God would change your heart about the situation. If it is an object or a situation/relationship in which you are comparing your relationship or life with someone else's (whether in real life or fantasy), pray that your heart would be calmed and your mind would be stripped away from any and all sinful thoughts, recognizable and unrecognizable to you.

Confront your spouse. If you find that your discontentment is partially with your spouse (I say partially, because in many cases this isn't the only cause), then plan a quiet evening in with your spouse (after the kids are in bed, if you are a parent), and speak to him/her from your heart. Do not belittle or judge, simply tell them what is bothering you and ask if there is anything you could do to make your marriage better. Don't place all of the blame on your spouse, but do convey your feelings in humility and love.

Detach yourself, completely. Chances are, if you sit down and take a long hard look at your life, you'll immediately be able to pin point several things in your life that need to be out of your life. We are all tempted by different things in our lives, some of us are stronger than others when it comes to comparison or relationships. But the bottom line is that in many cases we know that what we are watching on tv or saying to a 'friend' or someone who isn't our husband/wife are wrong and will only send us into a deeper sinful relationship of the mind or emotions. Detach yourself  from the tv, the book, the movie series, or the real life person (ungodly relationship) in your life that is causing you to compare or day dream about the "what if's" or "why isn't our relationship this way". In some cases, your day dreams about that person or relationship isn't even a healthy relationship in your mind! You might find that the only way to detach yourself from these things is through much prayer and possibly even going as far as having an accountability partner who can help keep you on track (a close Godly friend of the same gender or your spouse). IMPORTANT: even if you do find that you can detach yourself away from these things, do not assume that once you've not been tempted by them for awhile that you will not be tempted by them again. If you find yourself being detached from them for several months, and then decide to entice yourself in them once again, your outcome will most like not be any different than it was before, however, it will make it harder  to come back from each time. In other words, you don't ask a person who's an ex-alcoholic to go to a bar, or ask an ex-smoker to sit in the smoking area of a restaurant.

If you are comparing your marriage to someone else's marriage, such as a friend or family member, then you don't need to detach yourself from that person, but you do need to start concentrating more on your relationship with God and your spouse. The time that you waste comparing your marriage to your best friend or family member's marriage is time that you could be putting into your own marriage. Every marriage has ups and downs, no one's marriage is perfect. Stop comparing!

Read the word, daily! Not only should you be praying daily, but you should be diving into the word of God every single day, whether you want to or not.  You can read more here about reading God's word every day and things that can make it easier. His word is soothing to our heart, even when we don't think we're getting anything out of it. You might also consider placing scriptures through out your home, in picture frames, wall art, or with open bibles on shelves. You can read more about door scriptures and scriptures in your home by clicking here.

Choose your emotions, choose to love. Plain and simple. Pay attention to your attitude, character traits, emotions, and reactions to your spouse and others. Learn to control them and learn to change them into the proper reactions and emotions, into the proper Christ like attitude. The more you learn to recognize your feelings, the easier it will become to hold your tongue or react in love, by choosing love.

Make time for intimacy. I recently posted an article on facebook how important sex/intimacy is in marriage. It is a key player to a happy marriage and helps keep us from temptations. I urge all of you to read it, click here for the article. If nothing else, I completely agree with the following excerpt from the article:

"The very first night of our conference, the first session is called "Four Play: the Foundation for God Sex" ... In Gen. 1:26-28, the first purpose: procreation, to reproduce the image of God on the face of the earth through a married couple; number two: consummation, Gen. 2:24, that you would become one flesh; and then number three: recreation, Proverbs 5:15-20; and then number four: protection, 1 Cor. 7:5.

Potentially, maybe one of the most critical is protection because God is basically telling the married couples of the Bible that you ought to engage in a healthy sex life as a couple so that you will not be tempted by Satan due to a lack of self-control.

Many people don't realize that sex is actually an issue of warfare, because the devil knows that God is trying to reproduce His image through procreation, the original purpose, and to raise up godly offspring. That's why I believe that the enemy has the issue under such attack from the very beginning of the Bible. So as a result, the man [starts] living according to his own sexual agenda, versus God's biblical blueprint. You begin to see a falling away from what God had intended in terms of the act of sex.

I think that those four purposes are critical. The Bible says that you ought to come back together again so that Satan will not tempt you due to your lack of self-control. So Satan is just as interested in the bedroom as God is, and we as a church need to find out who's winning. I think that it ought to be God winning based on the fact that He's manufactured it, but a lot of times it looks like Satan has an upper hand because the church has not spoken and taught well. We have not renewed people's minds in this area so that they can make wise decisions."

In the end, make sure that you and your spouse are spending quality time together every single day. If that means staying up until midnight after your work is done and the kids are in bed, so be it. Make sure you spend time with your spouse, face to face, every single day. Really sitting down and talking with them -- asking about their day, talking to them about your day and showing a genuine interest in their life as your spouse and as an individual with their own struggles and emotions. Making quality and quantity time for and with your spouse instead of picking up that book or facebook stalking your best friend will make all the difference.

Finding Peace in a Hurt Filled Marriage

I can't tell you how amazed I am by how many new "likes" I have received on our A Godly Marriage facebook fanpage in the past 2 months. I am amazed, astounded really. But I am even more astounded by the web traffic received to our webpage, and the private messages and emails I receive daily from hurting spouses in broken marriages. This nation (and this world)  is full of broken marriages, and it hurts my heart so much. I can only imagine how much it hurts our Father's heart if it hurts my heart this much. 

Just this past week I've received several messages about wives hurting in their marriage -- be it from situations in the past that they can't let go, family situations, verbal and emotional abuse, and even cases of physical abuse.

Let me say this to all of you right now. If you are in a physically abusive relationship, please seek help immediately. Especially if there are children living in your household. I am not a professional counselor, nor am I experienced enough to deal with situations such as physical abuse. Please please please seek wise and Godly counsel from your Pastor or a trusted Christian friend or counselor. Please get out of the situation until you know it is safe to return. No one deserves to be abused, not one bit. No matter what the issue or situation might be in your marriage, you do not deserve to be beaten because of it.

With that said, I really want to blog about hurting marriages today (excluding physical abuse) and how to find peace and renewal of strength in the midst of your pain. I think it is needed right now, and something I've been thinking about blogging for a long time, I just never saw the right moment or opportunity in which to do so -- but I think now is a good time!

When my husband and I first got married, we had a host of things against us, and it took a toll on our first few years of marriage. In fact, up until a few years ago, I didn't feel 100% at peace with our marriage. We were not in a physically, emotionally or verbally abusive relationship (contrary to what some thought), but we had our struggles just like everyone else. We said things we didn't mean and did things out of anger and bitterness, pride as well. We were both young and hard headed, but we made it. Through our faith in Christ and our new growth in Him, we made it through, and I could not ask for a better marriage right here in this moment. It gets better and better every single year. With that said, we did hurt each other. And there were many nights I didn't have peace, something I desperately needed being a new young wife. I didn't have an amazing example of love in my life -- a married couple that I could learn from. Sure, there were some great couples in our lives, but none that indefinitely stood out as a Godly example.

I knew that I had to find peace eventually, otherwise, this wasn't going to work. I would drive myself crazy with my over active mind, holding grudges or planning revenge. This isn't what a marriage should be, and I knew it. It wasn't just my husbands fault, it was mine as well.

Here are some of the steps I took and scriptures I read on a continual basis to help me get through those tough times, and eventually, lead us to a renewed strength and connection in our marriage. Keep in mind, this was a two way deal, however, it was something that I, myself, had to begin. There is always one spouse that has to take that first step in making changes.

PRAYER LIFE & READING THE WORD: I truly believe that this journey in early marriage taught me how to pray and read God's word more often. Waking up in the morning and reading God's word, even if you don't remember it through out the day, changes a persons heart. It radiates through your soul -- it's good for the soul. I've always heard "the soul know's how to heal itself" and I truly believe, through Christ, that is absolutely true.

I knew that my last resort was prayer and a greater faith in God -- though it should have been my first option. If I wanted my husband to change, I knew I couldn't change his heart, but God could. My husbands heart had been hurt over time, and it showed in our marriage. He hadn't been hurt by me, but by others in our lives. There were many nights that I literally cried out to God, tears streaming down my face. Some nights I'd receive peace from Him, if I allowed it. Other nights I ended up more angry than I began, feeling as though prayer was useless and pointless, that it didn't really work. But let me tell you, it does. God hears our cries, He knows our hearts. And we may not see results over night -- I didn't, it took a couple of years -- but He will redeem, He will renew, and He will change hearts. But first, I had to remember this verse:

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

Give thanks in all circumstances, seriously? This was so hard for me. But everyday when I awoke, I would wake up and thank God for that day and the continuous changes that He was making in my marriage, even if I didn't see them immediately. The biggest part was to pray continually. Even if you don't see those results right away. God never gives up on us, so we should never give up on Him....and we should never give up on our spouses. I also had to pray that God would cleanse my own heart of any motivation or alternative thoughts that I might have in my head and heart against my husband. I wanted God to be in control of my prayer life, no emotions involved.

REACT IN LOVE: This is hard. Very hard. Especially when you feel unloved or angry. But I noticed, much more often, when I responded lovingly or without a harsh attitude toward my husband (even if he was harsh), it defused the situation. Or at times, he would just give up in trying to be "right". When I let go of my pain and grudges and reacted in love, the way a spouse should react, I affected him in a positive way. When I gave up my right to be 'right', peace came....not only for myself, but for my husband as well.

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1 NIV

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NIV

Love is patient, kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not self seeking and it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. 

SET BOUNDARIES: We always hear the verses about wives submitting to their husbands and husbands loving their wives, and those are true, 100% true and should be followed. However, even in a Christian marriage, our spouses can lose direction and ask us to do things that are not in line with the word of God. The Bible says to be submissive, it does not say you should be a door mat. It says you should honor your husband, not do his every harsh command, especially if it is not in line with God's word. Some of these boundaries might mean saying no to your spouses decisions or wants, such as overly drinking, worldly partying, sexual fantasies (such as fantasies involving more than just you),  or not "allowing" you to go anywhere or do anything (in other words, you are confined to your home and work, if you work). However, set these boundaries with spiritual humility and a quiet spirit.

"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:1-4 NIV

Peter tells us that we should submit to our husbands, so that if any of them do not believe in the word of God, that they may be won over without words, but by the behavior of us, their wives. Then will they see the purity and reverence of our lives, and Christ with in us. It also commands us to have a gentle and quiet spirit in everything that we do. All too often we hear on media and in movies that women should be independent and strong, but our spirits weren't made to be that way. Strong, yes, but not in the way the world portrays us now days. It's easy to see how society has doomed marriages before they even begin.

Husbands, can you see what this scripture is saying to you? Your wife is to be treasured -- treasured as a beautiful gentle jewel that God has placed in your life. Her spirit was created for gentleness, and that means that you should treat her just as gently as she should treat you.

FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD, NOT YOUR SPOUSES: It's easy for us to get caught up in how "unholy" our spouse might be acting, when in all reality, we should be concentrating on growing our own relationship with God, not concentrating on growing our spouses relationship with Him. Yes, our spouses relationship with God is a priority, but it is not our decision, it is their own personal decision. When you become closer to God, you begin to radiate His love and peace. Peace will dwell with in you -- it will cause those tough times to not be so tough, and they won't last as long. You'll train your heart to find peace in our Savior, not in the emotions of man. Eventually, your spouse will begin to see the positive changes, and will be influenced by you. You can read more on this in one of the blogs I wrote titled, How to Make Your Spouse Change. Before you go there, however, please continue to read this blog first :)

SEEK WISE COUNSEL: We never got to the point where we needed to seek marriage counseling or wise counsel from a Pastor. We did, of course, have good friends who would listen (well, mainly to me!). However, we did not go to them with our problems or arguments. We did not go into detail about our marriage. They were simply there to listen to our hurt and try to ease the pain. We would never ever put down one another to our friends or family members, and we never involved our family members....period. Family members can be biased and take sides. If you feel the need to speak with someone, find a Godly Christian friend or neutral family member (an aunt, cousin, non-immediate family member), or your Pastor/an elder in the church. Sometimes it helps to just let it all out and move on. They may be able to give you peace and insight on things that you hadn't thought of before, and even advice that I haven't given you here in this blog. There are so many people in this world who have gone through similar things as us and can help us through their experiences and Godly training. However, I must reiterate, never ever put down or belittle your spouse to anyone, not even your best of friends. And especially not on social media. I firmly believe that social media has doomed marriages as well!

CHOOSE HAPPINESS: Choose happiness, what does that mean? Happiness is a feeling, an emotion. It isn't something that just comes, contrary to what you may think. What might make you happy might not make Sandy down the road equally as happy. We choose what makes us happy and what makes us sad -- what makes us angry and what makes us frustrated. When we become more conscious of our emotions and thoughts, our feelings, we are better able to control them. This goes along with reacting in love. We also choose to love. I may love my husband more than I love my mother, or my child more than I love my sister. However, I have chosen to feel that way (and rightfully so). Love is an emotion, but it's an emotion that we choose. My mother probably doesn't love her cousin more than she loves her grandchildren, as my husband doesn't love our dog more than he loves me (well, most of the time). However, someone else might love our dog more than they love me! We choose who, what, when, and how we love someone. However, Christ commands us to love everyone!

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8 NIV

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:7-8 NIV

It is unreal how many scriptures there are through out the Bible about loving one another, not just your husband, your wife, your children, your family, your friends, your church family -- but everyone. The more you love unconditionally, the happier you will be ;)

ALLOW GOD TO WORK IN YOU: Allow God to give you peace. Allow yourself to cry, to yell, and throw yourself on the floor in front of God. But allow Him to pick you back up and dust you off. Allow Him to show you the things that you need to change in yourself. Allow Him to love on you and show you His love. Allow Him to cleanse your heart and mind from the pain. Allow yourself to change and be molded into the person God wants you to be, the person that scripture commands you to be, not the person your spouse wants you to be or the person you think you should be. Go to the scriptures and make sure that your lifestyle lines up with the word of God, if not, change. Make sure you give yourself alone time with God everyday -- real alone time, none of this 5 minute stuff.

FORGIVENESS: You need to forgive your spouse, over and over again. Every single day is a new day. Forgive them. Don't hold grudges. Don't bring up the past. Wake up every morning and remind yourself that this day is new, and that yesterday's hurt and anger must stay there. Don't allow your yesterday to ruin your today.

"'In your anger do not sin': Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-67 NIV

And don't go to bed angry, it only gives the devil a foothold to play in your mind that evening and continue the bitterness through out the new day that God has blessed you with.

Remember, love does not keep a book of wrongs. Christ doesn't remember your sins when you repent, why do you remember your spouses wrongs towards you? They are useless and they only hurt you more. They chain you to the previous day and do not allow you to grow and move on. You also need to forgive yourself during this journey. You're going to mess up, you're going to snap at them even when you don't want to. In those moments, forgive yourself, pick yourself back up, and move on.

APOLOGIZE: It takes a lot of courage to apologize to someone, especially to your spouse. However, apologizing goes along with forgiveness. Believe it or not, you do wrong just as much as your spouse does. And even if you feel like it is all your spouses fault in a particular situation on a particular day, apologize for how you respond. Apologize for how you react. Even if it is several hours later. Collect your emotions, harness them, pray, ask for forgiveness, and then apologize. You will be amazed with the reaction. They will either react harshly out of hurt and anger, in which case you move on and do not respond. Or they will react in love and feel loved -- they may even apologize for their own actions. In that moment, healing begins. You'll have to make apologies through out your entire marriage, it is a must. So you better get used to making them now, not 10 years from now when so much hurt and pain has been bottled up.

In everything, never allow yourself to lose sight of Christ. Many marriages fail because we try to do these things on our own in our own strength. But I'm sorry to tell you this, it is just not possible without God. We must involve Christ and make Him the center of our marriage if we want it to work properly.

If you're dealing with hurt in your marriage from a sin that your spouse has committed, such as adultery, pornography, alcohol or other addictions, it is certainly much harder than regular every day struggles. However, God offers peace to you as well, through these very same steps. If your spouse continues in these sins, show them your heart. Share your hearts cry with them in humility and with a Christ like attitude. They may reject you, they may accept you. But you've done your part. If it eventually gets to the point where you cannot handle it any longer and your spouse continues to live in sin, seek counsel from your Pastor or a Godly marriage counselor. Seeking marriage counseling is not a sign of weakness, God has blessed us with people like spirit filled marriage counselors so that they can help you during these rough times.

Remember that God brought you and your spouse together for a reason, and marriage is sacred in His sight. Some of us may have to work at our marriages more than others, however, know that you have an incredible Father cheering for you, and what God brings together, no man can separate. He has a plan for your life, for your marriage. Don't give up, you can do this. You have more strength inside of you than you realize. You are a child of the most high God, a living Savior, and He will not fail you. Seek His face and heart in every situation. And in those moments when you feel like you can't go on, allow Him to renew your strength. Allow Him to teach you His ways and His heart. It's in our weakest moments that we are strong.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 NIV

Valentines Day | FREE printable {Love coupons!}

With Valentine's Day approaching, many of us are completely and utterly baffled by what to get our spouses.   When my husband and I first got married, we squabbled over gifts and 'why did you spend so much money' or 'I really didn't want this but thanks anyway'. Then it always boiled down to the 's' word..you know, sex ;)  

So we eventually found a way to make our Valentines Day so much better, and this gift is still our favorite gift of all. Not just for Valentine's day, but every holiday!!! We rarely get each other anything materialistic anymore -- we don't need a holiday just to buy our spouse something they want! 

I have decided to share with you some of our LOVE coupons. And I have created a special set just for my A Godly Marriage blog reader's :) 

Some coupons are clearly directed towards wives, others towards husbands, and some are neutral or can pertain to both! I've also allowed for a few "fill in the blank" coupons so that you can create your own!

DISCLAIMER:
If you give these to your spouse you MUST honor them!!!! That includes the "any time any place" stipulations!!

Click here to view the entire folder (pdf copies)

or click on each photo to download each sheet individually.

Like I said before, these coupons are not only great for Valentine's Day, but also for anniversaries, birthdays, even Christmas! In fact, I wanted to get my husband something special this year for Christmas, because he's just so good to me! When I asked him what he wanted he said, "babe, I want coupons. Honestly, they are the best gift you have ever given me!!".

Our marriages don't have to be complicated and full of materialist items just to be happy. It's the simple things that make them the most fun and full of love!!

Enjoy!!

Time-Warp Wife | Titus 2sday

If you're a Christian blogger and love everything about marriage and parenting, then you NEED to check out the Time-Warp Wife. I just love love love EVERYTHING that she posts :)

Tomorrow is Titus 2sday!! I linked up my Loving Your Spouse Even When It's Hard blog on her page, and she welcomes you, fellow Christian bloggers, to link to your sites as well ;) There's still some time to link up this evening!

Check it out, and maybe you'll find a new favorite blog! I have certainly discovered many amazing blogs on Titus 2sdays!

My Dearest Husband | I need you more than you know

This past week has been very busy for me with work and extracurricular activities. And to top it all off, my husband has been fighting a sinus infection since last Saturday. Whenever someone in the house is sick, it sets everything out of whack. We all have to slow down a little to tend to the sickling, and rightfully so. It's simple things, such as serving him while he lays in his recliner, making and serving him meals, covering him up with a blanket when he falls asleep in the living room, and so many other little things that make our spouses feel comfortable when they are sick. 

He's feeling much better now, but still exhausted. Being sick, any kind of sickness, can take a lot out of your body, especially since he still worked through it all (and this isn't an office job, he's out in the cold air and differing weather conditions all day moving dirt, concrete blocks, doing electrical work, etc). My husband is amazing, and I love him more than he'll ever know. He is such an amazing leader in our household and he knows what needs to be done, even during the roughest times.

I myself have been feeling a little "down" since my other half has been sick. I didn't really pay any attention to my emotions until yesterday afternoon. I couldn't pin point why I felt the way I felt. I just felt "blah". It started to annoy me, because there's always a reason for my emotions, and when I can't pin point it, it just annoys the heck out of me! I started quietly praying about it -- you know, being a mom I don't get too many quiet times, so I must have been doing the dishes or taking a shower ;). Later that evening God showed me why I was feeling the way I was. It was in the simple touch of my husband as he brushed against my side that evening. It's like it brought me back to life. I missed him. I missed being close to him. Since he's been sick, we haven't been near each other, and avoiding each other in many ways since I don't want anything to spread (especially with a son who has asthma) But, here I was this entire time thinking that my crazy busy week had been pulling energy and life out of me, when in all reality, I was feeling the way I did because I missed my husbands touch. 

And it wasn't just his touch....

It was his jokes, his smile. It was the way he could build me up in less than 3 minutes when I've had a bad day. It was his arms wrapped around me when he gets home from work -- his gentle kisses. It was the way he knew how to talk to me, even about stupid things. His comments, remarks and quirkiness. His strength, his leadership and his direction in our family.

If we're being honest here, I felt a little lost without him. 

It's not that he wasn't here, it's just that he just wasn't 'here'. He wasn't feeling well, sore throat, stuffy nose. So naturally, he didn't speak much (in fact he's lost his voice) -- he just wasn't his 'norm'. And my not wanting to get sick also didn't help. Most of my week had been focused on serving him, taking care of our little one, and focusing on work late at night/early morning. We've been "out of touch" this week, and it has taken its toll on me, personally.

Sometimes, I think we lose sight of how much we really do need each other, how much we really do

 need our spouses to be there for us (when they are feeling well). And it shows how important we are (and should strive to be) to our spouses, that we should be there with them and for them, no matter what.  To serve them, to strengthen them, to uplift them, and to love them....no matter what state they are in, no matter where their relationship with God is, and no matter where we are in our relationship with them. 

I can only hope that I am half as much to my husband as he is to me -- I want to serve him more, help him more, love him more than I already do. I want to make him feel the way he makes me feel. And even if he didn't make me feel that way, I'd still want to do it, because I need him more than I thought, and I need him more than he'll ever know.

So I challenge you -- whether you're a wife or a husband -- to strive to be a better servant. Not a doormat, not a slave, a servant. To be your spouses helper, their constant, their lovers. 

Husbands, I challenge you to be that leader, the leader of the home, the strength that your wife and children need....put your cares aside and tend to your flock. I challenge you to 'man-up' and love your wife, even if you think she doesn't deserve it -- to show unconditional love in her needs and interests.

Wives, I challenge you to allow your husbands to lead in your home, to be the director in your family. Don't be a dictator, and on the other hand, don't be helpless. I challenge you to be there for him when he needs to 'get away'....even if that means being silent for an hour. I challenge you to serve him, even if it's just making his dinner plate for in the evenings. And to be his help mate.

...and don't forget to loosen up and have fun :)